Welcome to Raw Roundup, where I watch Raw so you don’t have to.
Dean Ambrose is out to kick off the show. He spits the same promos he’s been doing for the last couple of weeks. He says Lesnar will give him the fight of his life and he makes F5 puns. He calls out Brock, but he gets Stephanie McMahon instead. Steph emasculates Dean, as is tradition and tells Dean he will be defending his IC Title next. Steph then says it’ll be a Fatal Five Way match. She also mentions that if Roman interferes, he’ll lose his belt, and be removed from the triple threat at Fastlane.
Fatal Five Way: Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens vs Stardust vs Tyler Breeze vs Dolph Ziggler
The Fatal Five Way gets started with Ambrose, Kevin Owens, Stardust, Tyler Breeze, and Dolph Ziggler. Holy shit this was a great match. Very high paced, with lots of big spots and signature moves. This might be the best opening Raw match in the last year. In the end, Owens hits the pop-up powerbomb for the win on Breeze. What’s that? A title change on Raw!? Thank the heavens! Owens is hot fire with the IC title, and since there’s a 0% chance the WWE would even think about giving Dean the IC and World belts at once, they needed to get the title off him before Fastlane and this was the perfect way to do it.
Backstage, Rene Young interviews an angry yet optimistic Ambrose who says he’ll win at Fastlane. Next Rene interviews Kevin Owens, who is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler reminds Owens that he beat him on Raw last week and asks for a title match at Fastlane. Owens says “Nah”.
A Cutting Edge Peep Show with The New Day is announced for Fastlane, and New Day comes down to the ring. They cut a promo where they call Edge and Christian various things involving booty and talk shit about Coldplay, so an excellent promo in my books. Onto business, they call out Mark Henry for walking out on them last week, and Henry comes out for a match with Big E.
Big E vs Mark Henry
Big E beat Henry, and Mark Henry still sucks.
Next up is an interview with Brie Bella. She talks about her husband until Charlotte interrupts her. Charlotte gets some heat by telling Brie to forfeit their match at Fastlane so she can go home and be Daniel Bryan’s housewife. She also made a remark about their future children being “goat face vegan babies”. Brie hits Charlotte and does her fucking woeful rendition of her husband’s Yes kicks until a drunk Ric Flair gets Charlotte out of there.
AJ Styles vs The Miz
Chris Jericho is on commentary for this one. It was a fun match that must have reminded people that the Miz is actually a pretty good wrestler. Eventually AJ gets the win with the calf crusher. Jericho gets in the ring to congratulate Styles. AJ tells him to cut the bullshit, and challenges him to a rubber match at Fastlane. Jericho apparently needs some time to think about it (fuck off, we all know he’s going to say yes) and promises an answer on Smackdown.
The Dudley Boyz hit the ring. They tease grabbing a table and then call out the Usos. Oh wait, the Usos aren’t here because they’re still recovering from the Dudley’s attack last week. D-Von says that the Dudleyz aren’t a nostalgia act, they’re the baddest tag team ever. Bubba says there won’t anymore tables ever and that they don’t give a shit if the crowd want them or not. Good heat here lads.
Summer Rae vs Paige
Holy shit I forgot both of these women were still employed. Oh well, it was a fine piss break match, Summer wins with a rollup.
Paul Heyman Is in the ring to cut a promo on Roman Reigns. He invites Roman to the ring, and Roman obliges. Heyman says Lesnar is going to win at Fastlane and Mania, and he reminds Reigns of the promise that Roman made to his daughter that he’d win the belt at Wrestlemania. Heyman says Reigns has a choice at Fastlane: family or friendship. Holy shit, Paul Heyman is the best promo guy in the world. Reigns spews his usual “Believe that” bullshit and the two shake hands. The Dudleyz run in and attack Reigns for some reason. Dean comes out to make the save, and Ambreigns send the Dudleyz packing. Dean and Roman shake hands, but as they do Dean tries to hit Dirty Deeds on Roman. The two stare down until Roman smiles and they bump fists. Well what was the point of that? Also, can we take a minute to appreciate that Roman hasn’t had a match on Raw in 2 weeks? The past few weeks, focus has been primarily on Dean and Brock and that makes the show way fucking better.
Zack Ryder vs Heath Slater
I guess Vince must be sleeping, because Zack Ryder is on Raw! Oh well, he still jobs. Slater picks up the 3 in a short affair.
Golden Truth segment, fuck yes!
Lucha Dragons and Neville vs Rusev, Alberto Del Rio, and Sheamus
Hey, Sheamo is back. Pretty average six man tag match. The flippy guys did their flippy shit, and Del Rio pinned Sin Cara with his stupid corner stomp finisher. Afterwards, a 2 out of 3 falls match between Kalisto and Del Rio is announced for Fastlane, with the US Title on the line.
Beck Lynch vs Naomi
This one was another piss break match. Becky wins quickly with the Dis-Arm-Her. Afterwards Naomi and Tamina beat her up until Sasha Banks makes the save.
Big Show vs Braun Strowman?
This is the main event? Fuck right off. Fucking shocker, the Wyatt’s get DQ’s and beat up Big Show until Ryback and Kane shoo them away. It’s almost like they scheduled Raw backwards this week. Holy shit, what a colossal waste of the main event spot.
And that’s the last Raw until Fastlane on Sunday. Stay tuned for my Fastlane review!