Oh boy daddy, it’s the ultimate thrill ride, granddaddy of them all, other marketing names. It’s Wrestlemania 33! This biggest event of the year is always a spectacle, and this year was no different!
Alright so first things first, I missed most of the pre show. I’ll give you the short version. Neville vs Austin Aries was great. Mojo Rawley won the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal because Rob Gronkowski agreed to show up. Lastly, the fucking IC Title was on the pre show, as Dean Ambrose retained against Baron Corbin. Right, now on to the main show! The New Day are out fist dressed as Final Fantasy characters. Cheers lads.
AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
AJ vs Shane jerked the curtain, which is an odd choice. AJ is more over than rover, despite being a heel. It’s almost like he’s amazing or something. This match was a lot better than I was expecting. AJ may be the best worker on the planet, but Shane is not a wrestler. Despite this, AJ managed to drag some magic out of Shane. The match didn’t have a “off the top of the cell” moment like last year, but was consistently entertaining and was Shane’s best match ever. There was an announce table spot, and Shane busted out a fucking Shooting Star Press! AJ won with the Phenomenal Forearm. Great work lads.
Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho
The real main event was second up, which is now a little irking. This match has had the longest and best build of any match on this show, largely off the strength of the Festival of Friendship, which was one of the best segments in years. I won’t complain about the booking here, yes we all know it should’ve been for the Universal Title. These two worked a great match with plenty of drama. It may have been a little slower paced than the usual Owens match, but Jericho is 46 so let’s cut him a little slack. Eventually Owens prevailed with the apron powerbomb to take the US Title and move one belt closer to the Grand Slam. The match only went 16 minutes, and could’ve really used an extra 5-10.
Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Sasha Banks vs Charlotte Flair
A four-way elimination match for the Raw Women’s Title. Right, so I’m a firm believer that Nia Jax is the worst wrestler in the company. She has no business being in this match, and luckily for everyone she’s eliminated first. After the Charlotte eliminates Sasha seemingly by accident and then Bayley beat Charlotte with a Macho Elbow. The whole match was a rushed mess that just didn’t seem to click. It’s nice that Bayley got her Mania moment, but this match was some stinky crap.
The Club vs Enzo & Cass vs Cesaro & Sheamus
A ladder match for the Raw Tag Team Titles is up next! Goody goody I love ladder spots. Before the match begins, New Day come out in their ring gear saying there’s now a fourth team in the match…
OH MY FUCK
The Hardy’s are back! WONDERFUL! Okay, let’s change that header:
The Club vs Enzo & Cass vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs THE HARDY BOYS
This match, God damn. It was an absolute spot-fest. Tons of massive bumps from all the guys, everyone getting their big moves in. The Hardy’s are crazy over and it is mind boggling to see them back in the WWE. Matt hit a Twist of Fate off the top of a ladder, Jeff recreated the famous Swanton from Wrestlemania X7. It was fucking mental. Mania ladder matches usually steal the show and this was no exception. The match was capped off by Matt unhooking the belts. The Hardy’s are WWE Tag Champs again! Welcome back lads!
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse
Alright, who’s ready for a piss break? Perhaps it’s not fair to call this match that, but we all know why this match is on the card. It’s a fluff match with nothing but filler leading to the inevitable end where Cena and Nikki go over clean and Cena proposes. Good for them and whatnot, but after having the best year of his career, the Miz deserved better than this.
Seth Rollins vs Triple H
Oh fuck yea bud! Perhaps the most anticipated match this mania, and one we didn’t think we were going to see. Seth Rollins finally getting to go one on one with the mentor who betrayed him. After Rollins’ knee injury a little while back, the match was thought to be off the card but Seth healed up enough to get er done. To incorporate the injury, they made the it an unsanctioned match and Seth was wearing a knee brace. Now I’ll just spoil it that this was far far better than the stinker Trips had with Roman last year. You could really tell Trips gave a shit about putting Rollins over, and he made Seth look like a million bucks. The story throughout the match was the injured knee obviously, which Trips worked every chance he got. The pace was a little slower than what Seth is capable of, but given the knee injury and Triple H being 47 it’s forgivable. After a lot of great mat work and some fantastic big spots, Trips accidentally puts Steph through a table, and Seth hits the Pedigree for the win. Absolutely the right call having Seth go over, but I would have preferred he use a new finisher to get it done.
Pitbull showed up so I took a piss. Shame on you for taking PPV time away from the actual wrestlers.
Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton
Remember when winning the Royal Rumble meant you got to main event Wrestlemania? I do. This match’s build has been longer than most on the show, started just after Summerslam last year. Randy and Bray were feuding and then friends and are now feuding again. The feud included Randy burning down Bray’s house with the ghost of Sister Abigail inside and posing at it. 10/10. The match starts out with some test of strength spots before a nifty trick where Bray projects maggots onto the ring. It was hokey as fuck and I loved it. The two wrestled a methodical Randy Orton match, which is fine, but I expected something more intense considering Orton BURNED BRAY’S HOUSE DOWN. The match grinds to a halt and then an RKO happens and Orton wins. A 10 minute fart of a match for the world title. I expected more.
Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg
Right so now the card is steering into the drizzling shits. Goldberg’s return run coupled with how stale Lesnar has been turned this whole angle into a disaster. Do you remember when these two had probably the worst match in Wrestlemania history 12 years ago? Do you like how Goldberg can’t wrestle for more than 90 seconds and had the belt put on him for no reason? Then this match is for you. Goldberg gets some big boos coming out, but the crowd eventually chants his name. By the time Goldberg gets to the ring he is already gassed. Goldberg no sells some German suplex’s and hits a few spears. He spears Brock through a barricade so the two can take a break 20 seconds into the match. Goldberg hits some more spears but Lesnar kicks out of the Jackhammer. The crowd gives a “Yes” chant for the match going longer than a minute and a half. Brock dodges a spear a hits a few germans. Brock hits the F5 and wins. Fuck off with this shit. Thanks for wasting my time. Can’t wait to see Lesnar and the belt in 6 months and Goldberg never.
Alexa Bliss vs Naomi vs Mickie James vs Becky Lynch vs Natalya vs Carmella
I feel bad for the Smackdown ladies, they got stuck in the death spot on the card. Still better than the pre show I guess. Alexa and Becky are over and Naomi got a hometown pop. N one got a full entrance except Naomi. The match is moving in fast forward as everyone tries to get their shit in quickly. The crowd is so dead you can hear the ladies calling their spots. Naomi tapped out Alexa for a hometown victory so the crowd is happy before Roman crushes their dreams. Speaking of which…
Roman Reigns vs The Undertaker
Oh for fucks sake. The Roman experiment has been a colossal failure, but fuck it, let’s give him his third Mania main event in a row. What rub hasn’t Roman been given yet? Beating Taker at Mania? Let’s do it! It’s become a parody of itself at this point. I don’t hate Roman, I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but his character is shit, his promos are crap, and his push is undeserved. The fact that Vince has stuck with it for over 3 years of Roman getting booed out of the building every night is a big ‘ol fuck you to the fans. I’m just tired of it. Thankfully, Jim Ross is here to do commentary for this match! Roman’s out first and the crowd mics are immediately muted to drown out the booing, much like last year. Even Roman’s pyro gets booed. It’s announced as Roman walks to the ring that the match is now No Holds Barred. GONG. Oh my God, there’s nothing like an Undertaker entrance at Wrestlemania. Chills man, I get chills.
This match sucks. They try to work it into the story, but Undertaker can’t work anymore. It’s sad. The match is a slow plodding mess with lots of botches, most notably a Last Ride and Tombstone reversal that fail because Taker can’t get it done. The mics are muted throughout, but can’t hide the seeping dread from the crowd, because they know exactly how this match will end. The closing of the match is Reigns hitting several spears in a row, but Taker keeps kicking out. Taker can’t get to his feet and fight back though. He may still have some fight in him, but his body just can’t answer the call anymore. Roman hits one final spear and wins.
Are you having a fucking giggle Vince.
Discounting the match sucking, this booking is infuriating. 3 fucking years of this terrible push. 3 main events. IN A ROW. You know that this is obviously going to “Wrestlemania 34, Lesnar vs Reigns, the only two men to beat The Undertaker at Wrestlemania!” And it will die a death, just like every other big thing they’ve planned for Roman. At this point, he’ll never really be a face ever again. It’s done. The worst of it is that Undertaker didn’t want to lose to Roman, he wanted to lose to Cena. Chug a bag of dicks Vince.
Taker is left in the ring as Roman walks to the back to a chorus of boos and people flipping him off. Once Roman’s fucked off the crowd say goodbye to Taker with a “Thank you Taker” chant. Taker’s theme plays and he gets a standing ovation. Undertaker leaves his gloves, jacket and hat in the ring. He kisses his wife at ringside and heads to the back. The Undertaker has retired.
Should You Care?
Yes. This Mania was much better than last year. Most matches were great and had good build with only a few stinkers. Seth vs Triple H, AJ vs Shane, Owens vs Jericho, and the Tag Title Match were all fantastic. Brock and Goldberg were shite, Bray vs Randy disappointed, and Roman happened. The part that stings the most is that Roman retired Taker instead of someone who, you know, actually deserves it. If nothing else, it’s worth it to see Taker’s last match. Undertaker has been the heart and soul of Wrestlemania for 27 years, and was without a doubt the best character in the history of pro wrestling. He’s a true legend, one of a kind. There will never be another. Thank you Undertaker. Thank You.