WWE SummerSlam 2016 Review

Summerslam card

It’s the hottest party of the summer, apparently.  WWE’s summer mainstay came and went, and following Summerslam, I’m more confused than ever.  It wasn’t a good Summerslam, it wasn’t a bad Summerslam, it was a weird Summerslam.  Let’s run down the card.

Yay Canada

The PPV kicked off with JeriKO vs Enzo & Cass.  Why are Jericho and KO a tag team?  Because reasons.  The lads have a fun and fast paced match that was a pretty decent opener for the show.  JeriKO got the win with a botched leapfrog into Codebreaker.  It was a cool looking move, but Enzo landed short and took a legit knee in the face.  The botch is made up for by Jericho and Owens yelling that they love each other.  Go Team Canadian Dads!

The CanaDADS
The CanaDADS

Nepotism Running Wild

Next up we had Sasha Banks defending her Women’s Championship against Charlotte.  Sasha won the best from Charlotte a few weeks ago on Raw, and we get the rematch at Summerslam.  The match was much like most of Charlotte’s main roster matches; sloppy.  Charlotte hasn’t been a great worker on the main roster, and even working with Sasha it shows.  There were numerous noticeable botches, but the most severe being a failed corner spot where Charlotte dropped Sasha right on her fucking head.  The Boss does what she can to salvage a passable match from Charlotte and does the job clean.  Yea Charlotte won.  This didn’t make any sense at first, but it was reported afterwards that Sasha needed time off to recover from some injuries.  I can understand that, but if Sasha is leaving, why put the belt on her in the first place?

Please stop doing this when your neck and back are already fucked up.
Please stop doing this when your neck and back are already fucked up.

Piss Break

The Miz beat Apollo Crews via shenanigans to retain the Intercontinental Championship.  The match was only 5 minutes long and nothing of note happened at all.  Moving on.

The Main Event

Not really, but it sure as shit felt like it.  AJ Styles and John Cena had their rubber match.  This time it was one on one, no interference from The Club.  Mr. WWE vs Mr. TNA mono e mono.  Holy goddamn shit sticks this was a good match.  AJ and Cena had a 20 minute barnburner of a match that was the absolute high point of the card.  Fast solid action in the ring mixed with excellent storytelling.  This match was incredible.  There were a ton of notable spots, including an STF into Calf Crusher combo, a Styles Clash or two, and the top rope AA.  Throughout it all, both men took each other to the absolute limit, it was a true dogfight.  Neither man could make the other quit with their signature submissions, so the closing sequence to the match was a lot of finishers.  Cena hit the top rope AA, but Styles managed to kick out!  AJ rallied and hit the Styles Clash and Phenomenal Forearm for the clean 3!  Holy shit AJ won!  The absolute right call was made in having AJ go over clean.  Cena doesn’t lose anything for being pinned, and AJ is cemented as a real superstar.  Hats off lads, this was a true contender for Match of the Year.

A Star Is Burns
A Star Is Burns

Oh Shit the PPV is Still Going

Whoops, kinda forgot there was still 2 hours left.  This is where the night begins to suffer.  Cena vs Styles was the real high point of the night, and after that the crowd are pretty deflated for the rest of the show.  Onto the tag title match.  The New Day defended against The Club.  It’s Kofi and Xavier taking on Gallows and Anderson as Big E was kayfabe injured by The Club a few weeks ago on Raw.  Before the match, John Stewart comes out half heartedly making fun of himself for his role in Summerslam last year, before proclaiming that he has joined The New Day.  Fuck off.  The match is only 10 minutes of the usual New Day variety, although it’s worth noting that Xavier Woods is a great worker and should wrestle more.  Big E returns and attacks Anderson for the DQ.  How very face of you New Day.  All in all a bland match with needless celebrity involvement and a dumb finish.

It's time to stop.
It’s time to stop.

Deaner and Zigglypuff

Oh hey it’s the goddamn world title going on halfway through the show.  This match was clearly made to give Dean a win on PPV to cement him as a solid champion, and Ziggler isn’t really doing anything these days so why not him?  Yes fresh off losing a 3 month feud to Baron Corbin, Ziggler has earned a title shot.  The match was a pretty slow affair with Dean doing his usual moves and Ziggler selling a lot.  It was very hard to get invested in the match, thanks to Dean’s kick punch style and Ziggler’s lack of credibility as a main event guy.  The match plods on until Ambrose counters a top rope nothing into the Dirty Deeds for the win.  

The sad part is that I actually like Ziggler
The sad part is that I actually like Ziggler

Hey, Women

Yay, another piss break match.  The token six women’s tag match is back for Summerslam this year.  Becky Lynch (who deserves better), Naomi and Carmella took on Alexa Bliss, Natalya, and not Eva Marie.  Yes Eva Marie was supposed to be in this match but got suspended 2 days before the show, so a certain Diva returned to join the heel team.  It was Nikki Bella.  Mrs. Not John Cena herself returned to a depressing pop and of course she got the win.  Bleh.

Demon vs Man

The first match for the brand new Universal Championship!  Mick and Steph are out first to unveil the new belt and holy fucking fuck it’s the worst thing I have ever seen.

The fuck is this shit.
The fuck is this shit.

Look at that nonsense.  It’s like they dipped Ambrose’s belt in jam.  This would become an issue, as the crowd would spend most of the match chanting about how the belt sucks.  And it does suck and they were right to do so.  Finn was in demon mode and Rollins was in man mode and they had a pretty good match.  Both gents got some good licks in, and Seth even busted out the God’s Last Gift which is hella cool.  After a very back and forth match, Finn hits the Coupe de Grace for the 3 and the awful jam belt in 19 minutes.  We weren’t to know at the time, but during the match Finn’s right shoulder was dislocated taking a barricade powerbomb.  Finn popped it back in and finished the match, but the injury is severe and he vacated the belt the next night on Raw.  God fucking dammit.

It was a that exact moment Finn's shoulder said "Fuck being a thing"
It was a that exact moment Finn’s shoulder said “Fuck being a thing”

BOOOOOOOOO

Hey it’s Roman Reigns time.  Roman vying for the US Championship goes on after both world titles because fuck you we aren’t allowed to have nice things.  This feud started when Roman, like a true babyface, insulted and attacked Rusev at his wedding reception.  Before the match starts, Reigns and Rusev brawl a bunch and the match never happens.  Roman naturally comes out on top and is booed like a motherfucker.  Why was this even on the show?

Bork Smash

The main event, a match 15 years in the making apparently.  Brock is back fresh off failing two drug tests, and Randy Orton is also here.  If you thought this match was going to be anything other than a Brock squash match, you are dumb.  Randy got to hit an RKO, but Brock mostly just did his 2 moves for about 7 minutes.  Eventually Brock busted Orton’s head open with a for realsies elbow causing Randy to bleed a fucking lot of blood.  The match was called off and Brock F5’d Shane O’Mac before leaving to deafening silence.  Apparently this finish was a work, but the idea of Brock busting Orton open is pointless and dangerous.  What does it accomplish that couldn’t be accomplished by just F5’ing him and winning clean?  Not to mention Lesnar cut him open way more than he was supposed to because Orton bleeds A FUCKING LOT.  I think it was a needlessly dangerous finish to a boring match.  Brock’s unbeatable beast incarnate suplex city schtick is getting very old, his moveset is bland, his matches are boring squashes, and coupled with Ambrose’s revelations that Brock is lazy and disrespectful backstage are turning myself and a lot of the fans very sour on Lesnar.   This is supposedly Lesnar’s last appearance until next year, and that is fine by me.

That is a legitimately unsafe amount of blood.
That is a legitimately unsafe amount of blood.

Should You Care?

Not really.  The whole show had a very weird feel to it.  Cena vs Styles is incredible and Balor vs Rollins is quite good.  The rest of the show is very bleh.  Most of the matches weren’t awful, but they weren’t good either.  Let us know how you felt in the comments.

Justin

Justin should probably be in class right now. @JerstinRob

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